Mayor of !W!A!T!B! Achieves Lifetime Award ~~ SelfServing Praise Magazine Dec 2007

The Mayor of !We!Are!The!Best received a Lifetime Achievement Award today for turning out dictionaries at the rate of 1-2 per week for the last 3 years. The award is given by out anally by an obscure group based in !W!A!T!B! called MYMODS (Militant Yetis Mundanely Observing Diminishing Societies). When we find out what the hell that stands for we’ll let you know. The Mayor has never revealed how she actually manages to publish the dictionaries so rapidly but there is some speculation that a ghost dog named “Precious” actually guides her……err………hands.

The Rise and Fall of Adventure Town 13

He was flying high, spreading his wings to their full length, gliding, soaring, laughing insanely. Glancing downward he was pleased to see that his shadow was covering most of the town. This town would be different than the others. This town would welcome him and recognize him for the leader he truly was. This town would not dare to throw him out on his ass and bar him from their skies. His flaming breath would scorch them into submission and his scathing wit would awe them. The bumbling idiots in charge of the place would be easy to conquer. With the owners asleep at the wheel and the workers bees busy with their stupid altruistic goals it would be like taking candy from a baby….

Rocky, Bullwinkle and Nellie were busy unpacking books in the store. “Who is that?” asked Nellie, pointing at the street outside.

Rocky glanced up, saw who she was pointing at and laughed. A short, plump, prematurely balding gnat was running down the street with his arms outstretched, waving them up and down. “His name is DingBat. Spend two seconds around him and you’ll understand why. Right now he thinks he’s flying again, I’ll bet. His parents moved into a shack down by the saloon and he lives in their basement. He’s not as bad when he takes his meds, but whooo boy he can be annoying when he’s not.”

“Annoying? Annoying like how?” asked Nellie.

“Like the other day he demanded we paint flames on the gazebo because he felt the natural wood was not quite spiffy enough.”

“Ah, that’s why Natasha had it painted red, eh? I thought it was just something she dreamed up,” said Nellie.

“Well, it didn’t really hurt anything, I guess. We do want to include everyone’s imput into the town, even if sometimes it seems a little nuts to us. At least the thing was just painted red, no flames. Thanks to Rocky. He’s been kicked out of every other town around these parts so that puts him in the same boat as many of us. Most of the crap he pulls is just for attention, so we try to ignore him when he’s throwing a tantrum. Maybe he’ll learn he doesn’t need to do that here.” Bullwinkle smiled. “You know, lots of zoombinis come here looking for the boundaries that other towns have. They usually relax when they realize we really want to leave them alone.”

“I sure hope so,” said Rocky, shaking her head. “When he’s off those meds he runs around naked yelling insults at people. We should do something about that if he keeps it up. Quite a few townies have stopped me to complain about him.” Suddenly she started laughing.

“What?” asked Nellie, grabbing the best sellers off the top of Rocky’s pile of books.

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it,” snorted Rocky, laughing even harder. “It just strikes me as hilarious.”

“WHAT?” asked Nellie again.

“It’s just that most of the complaints have been about his fat, naked, pink ass.” Try as she might, Bullwinkle just could not keep a straight face. Nellie wasn’t doing too well holding it in, either, and soon all three of them were rolling on the floor.

Thanksgiving thoughts and wishes from the stars of our show

Channel 1177 has been gathering Thanksgiving wishes and thoughts from some of your favorite characters. We found Boris, Natasha and Cerberus still in Adventure Town.

Boris: “Thanksgiving is a stupid American holiday which I don’t celebrate because I’m not a stupid American. I’m a stupid Canadian.”

Natasha: “Wha..Oh. You need some type of answer to something. I like to eat but cooking is such hard work. Wake me again when it’s ready to go on the table.”

Cerberus: ” .”

Nellie and Echo seem to have flown the coop.

After convincing the gatekeeper, Josie, at !We!Are!The!Best! that we would follow every rule while there we were reluctantly let in but had to travel with an escort.

Josie: “I prefer moose scat to turkey, it’s so much easier to digest.”

The Mayor: “I’m not supposed to talk to you, get lost. But be sure to tell your viewers how nice I am, and here’s a complimentary dictionary.”

Hemp could not be located.

Cerberus “Son of a pup, I hope everyone enjoys everything here. This place is great.”

Oddly, most of the rest of the population that we were able to speak to took one fleeting glance at Josie and then issued this comment: “Baaaaaaaaa.”

Following our sojurn to !We!Are!The!Best! we found Rocky, Bullwinkle, the Analyst, X and Y scattered around the virtual universe.

Rocky: “Bullwinkle and I don’t eat turkeys, and they don’t eat us. We usually have stuffed shirts for Thanksgiving dinner instead.”

Bullwinkle: “Rocky’s right, there’s nothing as tasty as stuffed shirt. We found a little town in Canada that has the best ones and we get them there. Look forward to it every year.”

The Analyst: ” What makes the holiday great for me is not the dinner but the fact that I am able to observe the holiday behavior of others so freely. What do you like about it?”

Y: “My friends and the spirits of my friends are always all around me and I am thankful for that. Whatever meal is being served, as long as it’s not soylent green, is my favorite of the day and delicious. I look forward to my Thanksgiving dessert, which is, of course, CAKE!”

X: “I like turkey dinner with all the fixins. Pure and simple. But I skip the soup course, of course.”

The Rise and Fall of Adventure Town 11

“And I’m tellin’ ya that she stole your work! Don’t you even care?” Rocky’s fists were balled and her feet just wouldn’t slow down. Pacing again. “They’re totally using us!”

“It’s OK, Rocky. The greater good and all that jazz. So what? For once Natasha woke up long enough to actually try to do something. True, she did use my work, but she added the pictures and stuff by herself I think. I’m not walking away from everything we’ve accomplished here, too many zoombinis will be hurt in a skirmish like that. Let her take credit, I could care less.”

“Why?” Rocky asked. “Why do you let them get away with stuff like this without saying anything? She didn’t even give you partial credit!”

“Because just look at this! I told you it could be done!” Bullwinkle was watching the foot traffic going past the shack’s window, waving to the zoombinis who stopped to peek in. “The last thing we need is a scandal like this here. People this comfortable are a joy to behold. They don’t care about Natasha’s personal agenda. Or Boris’ appointments. We wanted to free them from worrying about politics, and so we have. Let it go. Just come here and enjoy this sight with me.”

Bustling, that’s what it was. Adventure Town was buzzing with prosperity. Zoombinis kept coming through the gate in droves and real estate was hot. The bookstore was a huge success, the saloon was busy as could be and the library was packed. Everyone shared whatever they had and the economy was rock solid. Conversation was stimulating, wits were sharp, laughter floated about on the desert breeze. Information, cooperation and friendship was flowing freely between Adventure Town and most of the other small towns that dotted the map.

When Rocky wasn’t in the bookstore giving away as many books as she sold she could often be found huddled over a table in the library helping Nellie write summaries of them. Nellie’s summaries were great and everyone loved them. They flew off the shelves of the library as quickly as they were printed and Nellie could barely keep up. Sometimes even Bullwinkle stopped in to correct spelling and help things along.

Bullwinkle was busy writing articles for the local paper she had started up and doing a little talk radio when there was time.

Echo was very busy thinking up parties and greeting zoombinis at the gate.

Natasha slept restlessly, waking now and then to ask “Did I miss something?” before nodding back off. Boris made occasional speeches that nobody listened to. Cerberus watched silently.

Occasionally the smoke from the soylent green facility in !We!Are!The!Best! would hover over the town making Echo wail, but it couldn’t linger for long in that happy atmosphere.

Rocky and Bullwinkle, however, were beginning to feel just a tad uneasy.

The Infamous Letter

Wed, February 1, 2006 8:10 am subject: Totemization

Mag,

A couple of days ago Ang and I were banned from posting on your boards. I politely
asked you for your side of the story and so far you have failed to provide it. I’m
assuming from this that there was no actual wrong doing in your eyes on our part and
that you simply banned us for personal reasons.

Was it my opinions that frightened you? Or the fact that I wasn’t afraid enough of
banishment to post my opinions? Did the fact that I sometimes disagreed with your
friends and mods somehow make you feel uncomfortable? I never felt uncomfortable
when they disagreed with me, I just respected their opinions and let it go. That’s
what emotional maturity is all about. Self conrol – something most of your staff
lacks – is always a necessary skill in any social situation.

Since I have always been truthful in my posts should I also draw the conclusion that
you are either afraid of or adverse to the truth? Is the truth not really welcome
on your boards? Perhaps that should be added to a sticky at the top of each board
or inserted into your FAQ section.

Was I simply unpopular with your friends because I was somehow different than them?
Was I too old, too young, too white, too black, too smart, too dumb, too short, too
tall? Was I Olaf, country folks or blonde? Did I wear the wrong kind of outfits or
have the wrong religion? Was I from the wrong part of town? Did I fail to punch
into the coffee klatch each day? Did I simply champion the underdog too often? Did
I call people out on having two sets of standards once too many times? All of the
above apparently.

I gave you an opportunity to answer my questions and you didn’t have enough
character to do it. Many people have asked me what happened and I’ve been patiently
waiting for you to give me your side of the story so I could answer them. Thank you
for that, it relieves me of having to make you look like a decent human being who
possesses conviction about being correct in your decision.

By the way, I’ll be sending this email to anyone I want to. I can do that because
it’s the truth and I possess conviction about being correct in my decision

This thread is locked, baby.

happy trails,

Carolyn

The Rise and Fall of Adventure Town 10

“Explanation? Did you get one out of her? I sure didn’t.” Rocky was shooting sparks with every word. Echo was weeping in the corner.

“None, Rocky, you knew that would be the case. It was all about controlling the townies there. No one will dare ask them for an explanation except for us. Nobody ever has.” Bullwinkle wrinkled her nose in disgust. She couldn’t get the smell of rotten eggs out of her nostrils, but other than that she showed no ill effects from the skirmish with Hemp.

“They’ve got my books over there and Hemp put a notice on the wall to see her if anyone wanted to buy them! Who the pink does she think she is?” Ah, man, Rocky was really pissed this time. She turned to Natasha and shook her awake roughly. “This is your town, they are messing with your people, do you have anything at all to say about that?”

“Wha……what? ” Natasha’s eyes partially opened and she stared at Rocky with a vacant expression. “They didn’t ban ME, what’s the big deal? Boris and Nellie still have their keys. You must have done something to them.”

Echo’s sobs grew louder.

“Let me repeat this one more time. I. Didn’t. Break. Any. Of. Their. Pinking. Rules. I haven’t even been there for a week or two. This was just Hemp being vindictive. The Mayor refuses to explain because of course she knew nothing about it – Hemp did it on her own. Hemp refuses to explain because she knows we complied with every pinking rule there and that there is no explanation except for her own desire to cause trouble between the towns.” Rocky could barely hide her contempt for Natasha’s lack of empathy. “I’m going to hold a town meeting and expose their bullshit once and for all!”

Cerberus swung her silent stare from Rocky to the door.

“NO!” Aw, great, Boris put in an appearance. “They have reasons! You two were probably breaking every rule in the book. I am still an important man here. I’ll ask them for the explanation. You will not mention this outside this room!” He nodded to Nellie and she left the room with Cerberus.

Echo’s sobs had turned to a keening wail. “Me,” she was wailing to nobody in particular, “It happened to me, too!”

Bullwinkle stood and slowly walked to the window. “I’ll give you an explanation. Look out this window. Look at all the happy faces. Look at them running in and out of the Bookstore here with packages and smiles. Look at the participation we have in the carnivals and parties. Look at how relaxed everyone is, and how friendly. No rule breakers here. No public hangings. No stockade in the town square. We’re a threat to their system of fear. They locked Rocky and I out of their town because they thought it would limit our influence over their townies. They don’t want their taxpayers over here having a good time. This is their warning shot to anyone over there who might be thinking of spending some time here.”

She leaned down and looked Boris in the eye. “I don’t give a crap why they did it, I already figured that out. I only give a crap that they are held accountable. This was a declaration of war. They are always telling everyone how fair they are and how nice they are. Tell them to prove it.”

Back at the shack Rocky and Bullwinkle were splitting a coke. They knew before even being told that Boris would fail his mission. He always did. Suddenly Bullwinkle burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny? How can you think this is funny? I’m really pissed off here,” Rocky said. “And I really wish that parrot would shut the hell up.” Echo’s wails could still be heard coming from the saloon’s back room.

“You’re not the only one pissed off right now, Rocky. I guarantee there’s a whole lot of pissed offedness going around !We!Are!The!Best! right now in general.”

“Why?” asked Rocky.

“I……umm……sent a letter to their editor, Rocky. They should be takin’ em out of their mailboxes right about now.” Bullwinkle laughed. “Do. Duh.”

And still Echo wailed. “Me, it happened to me, aiiiiiiiiiiii………….”

Y Weighs In

You think you’ve got your good, your evil. You know you’ve got your ugly. But doesn’t it mostly depend on which side of the line in the sand you’re standing on? Usually, yes. This time, no, not really.

Sometimes bad is just that. Bad. And Hemp is a bad egg with absolutely no redeeming qualities. Believe me, I searched high and low and found…only emptiness within her. Her veins run with pure liquid malice rather than blood and she hungers for something she can never actually have. Power in a virtual world. Sure, she can have virtual power in a small part of the virtual world. But her defeat lies in the fact that no matter how long she thinks her reach is it can never be long enough to snatch up an individual who doesn’t let her. Sort of like opening the window and letting in a vampire. If you don’t open it – the vampire can’t enter through it.

Hemp seems to be gone for now. Perhaps for good, perhaps not. It is my belief that she simply ran out of people who gave a crap about her one way or the other. Without people to fear her she held no power. And if people had loved her she wouldn’t have needed any power.

later kids,

Y

The Videotape

One witness managed to catch a few minutes of the skirmish at !We!Are!The!Best! between Hemp and Bullwinkle with his cellphone. It can be found in the blogroll bar at the right. Remember to protect your eyes.

Hemp v Bullwinkle.

The Rise and Fall of Adventure Town 9

Bullwinkle’s eyes were spinning madly and she could barely stand. But Hemp looked worse. Much worse. Hemp looked under the bed. Hemp looked under the weather. Hemp looked under the gun and over the top.

“Look! Look at yourself, look at your lack of civility, your lack of compassion, your lack of simple humanity,” snarled Bullwinkle as she tightened her grip on Hemp’s yellow hair.

“You die, Moose. I’ve bannished you, you’re not here,” hissed Hemp.

“Thank Goodness for that, Hemp. Otherwise you’d be able to feel THIS! (THWACK!)” laughed Bullwinkle crazily. “And THIS! (SNAP!). I came here to have a simple conversation with you. Give you a chance to explain your actions so that we could all understand them.”

“You are not here. You are baannnnnnnnnnned, Moose. My minnnnnnnions will take caaare of you once and for allllllll when they find you here,” gasped Hemp, wincing. “The Mayor will unleash her hordes and chase you all the way to the ends of the virtual world. You. Will. Be. Sssilennnnnnccccccccceddd! I will sssssseee you perisssshhhhhhhhh. And Jossssie will do the sssamme to your alliesssss and friendssssss.”

Still Bullwinkle laughed, and still it was kind of a crazy, slightly unstable, sound. Especially coming from a moose. “Actually, Hemp, I brought you a little gift,” she said, relaxing her grip. Hemp stumbled slightly back, righting herself with one bony hand and reaching for her face with the other…

“III’vvvvvvvve a giffffftt for you, too, Moose.” Her hand never waivered.

Neither did Bullwinkle’s.

With a flash that froze the atmosphere itself Hemp pulled off her mask revealing her true self and those wicked, unspeakably evil eyes. And stared straight at Bullwinkle. And screamed. And howled. And shrieked. And disappeared into the mirror Bullwinkle was holding up. A mirror with a pinking pink bow on it.

“Well, OK, then,” sighed Bullwinkle. “Be that way.”

The Rise and Fall of Adventure Town 8

Tap tap tap. Rocky was pacing. Tap. Fuming and pacing. Tap tap. She was fuming and
pacing, stewing and pacing and sometimes just pacing, but one thing was for sure.
Rocky was hopping mad. Finally, after what seemed like hours she heard the familiar
strains of Cake’s Fashion Nugget and then the grinding of metal on metal. Bullwinkle
was right about one thing. That van needed some front brakes for sure. She took a
minute to compose herself and waited for Bullwinkle to open the door. But Bullwinkle
didn’t open the door. “What the hell is that?” she thought and then flew outside and
yanked open the van door.

“You think she’s an open book but,” Bullwinkle was bellowing at the top of her lungs.

“Bullwinkle!” yelled Rocky.

“You don’t know which page to turn toooo..” Bullwinkle sang even louder, totally
oblivious to Rocky’s presence.

“Bullwinkle!!” Rocky yelled even louder, this time tugging the moose’s sleeve
roughly. Bullwinkle’s head bobbing was hideous to watch and Rocky was quickly losing
it.

“do you..do you..do you…….WHAT???????????? Jeez, Rocky, what’s wrong?” Finally
Bullwinkle had become aware of Rocky. But not before she took out the rear view
mirror with a bobbing antler.

“Those LIMP, LIMPing LIMPs at We!Are!The!Best!. That LIMPing moron LIMP Hemp locked
me out of the bookstore there and my stuff is still there. You need to see if you
can get in. Stinking LIMPs. Lame brain morons..I hate hate hate them all!” Oh, yeah,
Rocky was definitely mad.

“Hold that thought, I’ll be right back.” The van roared to life and then just as the
strains of track 9 started playing Bullwinkle shut it off. Rocky shot Bullwinkle the
questioning eyebrow. “Bathroom first.” Bullwinkle said sheepishly. “Sorry.” Rocky
just rolled her eyes.

“It’s coming down, it’s coming down, it’s coming down….” A few minutes later
Bullwinkle could still be heard singing as the van disappeared in the distance.
Yeah, it was coming down all right. Like sharpening knives through chicken
McNuggets. One thing about Cake – it just goes well with anything.